This ‘n That.
It is amazing to find, although not unexpected, that when you think doors are closed and your life is really not going anywhere, and is perhaps over, that all you have to look forward to is a daily drudge of waiting for it to end, you find that actually the doors are not closed, they were ajar and simply waiting for the right people to invite you in.
Most who know me well, know that I am bold in proclaiming my faith, eager to share it, passionate in discussing it, terribly insecure in backing things up with scripture (for I cannot retain my studies) and of praying out aloud in the presence of other people.
Well things are moving, doors are opening and I almost dare not breathe with the anticipation of it all. So many people have said, so many times, especially in the last year, that God is going to use me. I have been thankful for their encouragement but terribly sceptical, wondering whether the words were merely words and not actually prophetic. I have had a foot in each camp, one that believed God would not use me unless I wised up in all things scriptural. Unless I was well. Unless I was healed emotionally and spiritually. The other foot is on the side of “I am worthy”…that God will use me and time and again I would (when alone) ask Him to do so. But maybe he knew my heart was not full enough, too many fractures, it leaked.
I attend an amazing fellowship….where the pastor does not take no for an answer, where the leadership is powerfully gentle and where discipling is par for the course. It is fantastic. Not forgetting that I am married to an anointed man of God, who is revered by so many and will never retire from ministry has probably helped somewhat!
So there I am, dreading the day someone will expect me to pray for them aloud on the spot and trying to overcome my hideous imprisonment in this field when our pastor calls Keith out to pray for anyone who would care to go forward. He also called my name, but there happens to be another Amanda in the church, so I assumed he meant her…but no, he called me. Mumble mumble. My husband prays like no other (that I have heard). He is loud, passionate, wordy, faithful, scriptural, and he prays like he means what he is saying, he prays like he expects the prayer to be answered. I suppose I could hide behind him? But it is not like me to be a parasite and that is how I would feel. Mumble mumble. Oh I felt so inadequate, but I mumbled…..where is my conviction?
Then again we were called out….same thing. Then invited to join the prayer ministry team, how can I say no. Churlish, safe box. Now I know that some who may read this might think this is such a ridiculous place to be at…I have been asked questions that have ridiculed me over the years, and yes, it is ridiculous, but so are all hang ups and we all have them.
First prayer ministry session I was just growing relieved that no one had come forward and no, I had not prayed that no one would come. Honestly. So we were about to abandon post when someone approached and after she had been prayed for by the other person I was also able to say a small something. Felt stupid, didn’t feel real. But hey, you have to start somewhere, yes?
That evening at church I had planned to go forward for prayer but I was called, with Keith, to come and pray for others, again! Now I know God has a sense of humour, but…..Well there were several people and I started to enjoy it! I was not sure that was right, but that is what I felt.
Another thing, those who know me know I don’t do all ladies things! I don’t like all female anything. I like mixed sex everything. I feel intimidated with groups of women. So there…another confession, another hang up. Well I joined the church ladies meeting…long story short…last week only three of us turned up. It was raining heavily and it was the Thursday before half term so…? Anyway, it was decided we would not carry on with the study but do something different. PRAY. Good grief. Did the person who suggested that know of my issue? Yes she did.
When you trust someone you feel released in being yourself and not someone who needs to pretend. You don’t feel the burden of that other persons’ expectations. I knew there and then that God had been leading me to this moment and I knew that the person leading the group was who He had sent to deal with this issue. I have often prayed and sung in worship that I surrender myself to Him. This was a moment to surrender. I also knew that it would be painless. Difficult, but pain free. It was. I can’t say the walls have tumbled down, yet, but they are certainly less thick and tall.
A new beginning and I am believing that it will grow, it will get better, and prayer will be answered as I give my all into it. It has taken a very long time to get to this bottom step, but at last, I am there and can only climb upward.
An afternoon musings.
I want to walk into those prophecies…the words people have spoken over me. I want that anointing, I want to do great things for God. I want to be remembered for being a woman of God who fought the good fight and not the broken vessel that I am. I know, since becoming a Christian, that I have been remolded a number of times… I know that God will continue to reshape me …. regardless.
Surrender, sacrifice, listening, obedience, praying, sensing the direction of the Holy Spirit (which can be a physical manifestation) discernment, patience whilst waiting on the Lord for his direction in some aspects. Confession, seeking forgiveness, (don’t forget to forgive yourself as well), remembering His promises made to you (and all who are saved ). Fellowship. Love. Loving the unlovable! Forgiving the unforgiveable. So many aspects of being a Christian, a daily work. Checking ones thoughts, checking ones words, checking ones actions. Being accountable.
An evening ramble
Relating is not relationship. To have relationship is to surrender oneself, to make oneself vulnerable to another. It is impossible to think you can be in control of your relationship with God. So many put boundaries around their lives and how they relate and relationship with others, including God. You may hide from people, but you cannot hide from God. He knows you intimately, He knows your thoughts before you even think them. Watch yourself! Remember, you will be accountable, you will be judged, by Him. You are saved, you are forgiven, but you will be judged. Judged on how you treat other people. Judged on your behaviour, thoughts, actions. It is well worth accepting that fact and addressing your future actions…you may think you have the rest of your life and be sorry at the last minute…but why take the risk?
There have been a number of discussions on facebook of late, on the lines of greasy grace, hyper- grace, passivity The Mirror Bible and so forth, which bundled together discuss the opposing thoughts and beliefs of Christians in different “camps”. Although we all share the love of Christ, Grace, Salvation, we don’t all agree on what that actually means.
I am definitely not an authority on what it means, unread, uneducated, untrained, untamed, certainly don’t know scripture well enough to quote it left right and centre and only been listening to sermons for the last seven years, read quite a few books in a short space of time a few years back and came to know God intimately through relating to Him in prayer and supplication. Some of you may have read my, now deleted, blogs and know of the presence I experienced over a period of three evenings? Yes, I know my creator, my Father, my Saviour. So although I may not be qualified to discuss theology, doctrine and so forth, I do believe I have a place from which to state my beliefs.
I have a sense of urgency, a concern for those who are non doctrinal in their walk. Why take risks with your future. Yes your future is certain, but what sort of future. Does it not say we will count the cost…how many treasures have you stored in heaven. Good works don’t count. It is your heart, it is your obedience (not forgetting the ten commandments), it is love. Few treasures means a lesser place….remember that place is for eternity. I don’t know about you, but I want to be right up close to Jesus. My walk so far has been short, but my life has been long and prior to salvation I lead an unrighteous life. How many treasures can I store in the little time left? What if Jesus comes tomorrow?
Don’t throw the bible out because you have found a pseudo bible better suits your feelings. Please.
I asked a question the other day and it went unanswered…maybe you can help? (without being too technical) Can you become unsaved?
- Posted in: My journey