Change.

A spiritual wilderness is a strange place to wander.  It is a place where there is nothing, no connection to anything living.  It is a place that is uninteresting but it is a place where you can find solitude and if you are intelligent, a reconnection to that which you have lost.

Sadly, I have not been intelligent.  I have dipped in and out of this place for too long. Tested it, then run back to the world to seek satisfaction, only to find nothing but distraction and temporary enjoyment.

To know what is required and to do little about it, to give up the moment it requires effort and discipline is such weakness and shameful dishonour to whom you should be seeking.

Slowly I have been clawing my way back into the place I want to be, I am reconnecting spiritually with the One I desire to be with beyond anyone else.  The only One who can love me how I need to be loved.  The only One who can comfort me in the places I need comfort.  The only One who can restore me to the person He wants me to be.  The only One who can heal me.

I have felt so desperately sad and yet hidden it for so long it has become a way of life.  I am a good actress in that area.  I have shied away at “letting go” for fear of the tsunami of emotions that will eminate from me, such brokenness.

I have touched on this before from time to time, then got a grip and backed away as though all was well.  I have stated that “it is well with my soul” when it most definitely has not been.  I have laughed when I wanted to weep.  I have been gentle when I wanted to be violent.  I have kept silent when I wanted to scream and I have gritted my teeth when I’ve wanted to wail.

Well it is time to change.  I speak often of the time when I lost everything I held dear and clung to God, a place where I had such deep pain but joy and peace.  I am driven now to find the place of joy and peace, but not to share any part with any pain.

So, I am seeking God.  Silly statement.  God is there.  God is here.  He is indwelling and He has been all along, its just that I became too tired to try anymore.  Too tired to pray i  the way I used to pray, which was all day… too tired to study scripture or even attempt to understand it, too tired to keep on keeping.  Sundays are wonderful, they buoy you up for the days ahead, or certainly for the rest of that day.  They remind you why you claim to be a Christian.

There is change.  I am trying, fighting the tiredness, reading more, praying more, and including God in my wanderings rather than trying to sort it out myself.

There is change.  My focus had been to move north, it was what I was clinging on to.  New beginnings, affordable living, a different denomination.

There is change.  Being asked to do something you don’t feel worthy of doing or being.  Making a commitment.

There is change.  Not being the person you think people think you are, but finding out who God says you are.  That is big change, that is changing a lifestyle, showing your vulnerability, being honest!!!

There is change.  That there are some who do not know you very well yet can see to the depth of your being and know your heart was ripped out of you, for God was with me when that happened.  That God will restore what was stolen and a new thing will be born in my life.  (if you are reading this GS, thank you)

There is change.  There has to be.  There has to be more than this.  There is more than this and I want it.  Don’t you?  Time to surrender again.

 

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8 Comments

  1. gary thomas

    hi amanda thanks for sharing your time in the wilderness iam still in it i havnt been to church for well over a year now , ive found my self rethinking all my beliefs and what if any differance they are making to my or any one elses life and ive come to the belief that it dosnt , istill believe in god and the bible , but i think ive fell into the trap of not thinking for myself and believing the lies of church tradtion . yours gary

    • Hi Gary, thanks for your response. So sorry you are churchless. I strongly believe church is essential for our growth in our walk with Christ. I think you would have to be super disciplined to grow on that walk without fellow believers, however that is my view and each to his own. Praying for you Gary.

  2. gary thomas

    thanks amanda i do understand where your comming from i just dont share some of the doctrines so really you cant have true fellowship at least thats my opinion ,

    • Fellowship goes beyond doctrine I think. Iron sharpens iron…is one good reason to share. The beauty of church is that many from all walks of life gather, in love, to support, encourage, help, pray, serve, learn, worship, praise, prophesy, listen and so on. Too much to lose by not attending Gary. 😉

  3. gary thomas

    interesting you say goes beyond doctrine , the early church were of one mind , not every one beliving in whatever they thourght was right , i cant agree with that not then ive fallen out with any one i havnt but you soon know who your friends are when you try to explain that they might be in error .

    • There are so many denominations, bible translations and alternative “bibles” today, it is not surprising that people have different viewpoints. But the important thing is that we have faith, we love Jesus. A beginning. It would be great if we could all agree on what being a christian means and what the bible teaches us. Many say it’s all about love and nothing else matters…carry on being the person you want to be. My belief opposes that and yes, it is about love which means honour. God set a list of rules to abide by and although it is not about the rules but about Jesus, the rules are relevant and our obedience is about our love for Him. There are folk who think you don’t have to come to faith, you will be saved anyway. But whatever, it’s not my call to judge them! God knows our hearts and we will be accountable to Him when that time comes.

  4. gary thomas

    hi amanda thanks for replying to me , there can be only one truth , about god and who he is and what his purpose for mankind is . so we have a mish mash of truth and lies basicly , mmm i wonder who the auther of that one is . so its imortant we get this right the devil slandered god from the begining to eve , so she belived a lie about god . its the same today , iam sorry to say traditional church beliefs have infultrated the true early message and what jesus was teaching . thats why ive come away . gary x

    • God bless you Gary and may you be at peace.

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