Change.

A spiritual wilderness is a strange place to wander.  It is a place where there is nothing, no connection to anything living.  It is a place that is uninteresting but it is a place where you can find solitude and if you are intelligent, a reconnection to that which you have lost.

Sadly, I have not been intelligent.  I have dipped in and out of this place for too long. Tested it, then run back to the world to seek satisfaction, only to find nothing but distraction and temporary enjoyment.

To know what is required and to do little about it, to give up the moment it requires effort and discipline is such weakness and shameful dishonour to whom you should be seeking.

Slowly I have been clawing my way back into the place I want to be, I am reconnecting spiritually with the One I desire to be with beyond anyone else.  The only One who can love me how I need to be loved.  The only One who can comfort me in the places I need comfort.  The only One who can restore me to the person He wants me to be.  The only One who can heal me.

I have felt so desperately sad and yet hidden it for so long it has become a way of life.  I am a good actress in that area.  I have shied away at “letting go” for fear of the tsunami of emotions that will eminate from me, such brokenness.

I have touched on this before from time to time, then got a grip and backed away as though all was well.  I have stated that “it is well with my soul” when it most definitely has not been.  I have laughed when I wanted to weep.  I have been gentle when I wanted to be violent.  I have kept silent when I wanted to scream and I have gritted my teeth when I’ve wanted to wail.

Well it is time to change.  I speak often of the time when I lost everything I held dear and clung to God, a place where I had such deep pain but joy and peace.  I am driven now to find the place of joy and peace, but not to share any part with any pain.

So, I am seeking God.  Silly statement.  God is there.  God is here.  He is indwelling and He has been all along, its just that I became too tired to try anymore.  Too tired to pray i  the way I used to pray, which was all day… too tired to study scripture or even attempt to understand it, too tired to keep on keeping.  Sundays are wonderful, they buoy you up for the days ahead, or certainly for the rest of that day.  They remind you why you claim to be a Christian.

There is change.  I am trying, fighting the tiredness, reading more, praying more, and including God in my wanderings rather than trying to sort it out myself.

There is change.  My focus had been to move north, it was what I was clinging on to.  New beginnings, affordable living, a different denomination.

There is change.  Being asked to do something you don’t feel worthy of doing or being.  Making a commitment.

There is change.  Not being the person you think people think you are, but finding out who God says you are.  That is big change, that is changing a lifestyle, showing your vulnerability, being honest!!!

There is change.  That there are some who do not know you very well yet can see to the depth of your being and know your heart was ripped out of you, for God was with me when that happened.  That God will restore what was stolen and a new thing will be born in my life.  (if you are reading this GS, thank you)

There is change.  There has to be.  There has to be more than this.  There is more than this and I want it.  Don’t you?  Time to surrender again.

 

• Posted in: My journey